Once my memoir was published I felt free to think over my life again, mind unfettered by writing about it, and it occurred to me how important female friends have been to me.
I’m not one to generally enjoy hanging out with a group of women unless I am actual friends with each of them. Once there is anyone else in the (small) group who I don’t know it becomes more difficult for me. I’ve written before about being a Highly Sensitive Person. Maybe it’s just introversion. Or social anxiety. My ADHD. Or maybe I’m on the spectrum–there are certainly enough autism “tests” available online that would put me there. (Seriously, I think this is really unfair to people with real autism). Anyway, I prefer my friends one on one. That way I can focus on that person and not feel sidetracked and overstimulated by too much going on.
I had a best friend in first grade. Her name was Michelle, and we were both the best readers in our class. She was fun and smart and had an older sister so Michelle was a little old for her age. She even had a Chatty Cathy doll that talked. Or was it a Betsy Wetsy who wet her pants? We got split up in third grade, and I made two new friends, but I wasn’t close to them as I was to Michelle, whereas it appeared to me that Michelle went on to make lots of best friends in her class.
After we moved, I met Jill. We both loved to read mysteries and Gene Stratton Porter books which were wonderful for the approach to nature, but had some virulent racism in them. Nobody was monitoring our reading! We played in the woods and collected what we found. Jill not only was in my fourth grade class, but she was in my Sunday School class as well.
But then we moved again. The friend I met that first week in the new house was the girl next door. She is the first friend who shows up in Scrap. She is one of the only characters in the book where I changed her name and called her Ellen. The reason I did that is because Ellen died at age nineteen of ovarian cancer. Her stepbrother is also in the book, and he also died too young. I don’t know why I made this decision, but somehow I know it’s because of Ellen’s death. Although by the time she passed, we had already moved away again and had gone to different high schools. Ellen attended my wedding, but we were no longer close. I ended up seeing her a few weeks before she died, when she was looking for a suitcase to take back and forth to the hospital. Then I went to the visitation at the funeral home, a very distressing event.
Ellen’s sarcasm and sharp wit helped me get through some difficult 10-12 year old times with my father. She spoke up to my father, something he was not used to. And she was a bit of a wiseacre. But in the years we were apart, Ellen changed completely and became what I thought of at the time as a goody-goody, dressing very modestly (in the early 70s!), carrying a tiny mom-style purse on her forearm. But did this happen because of the cancer? I have her senior picture still, taken before she got sick. In it, she’s beautiful, her long brown hair thick and wavy, her eyes sparkling.
Best friends take on the world!
The next best friend that shows up in Scrap is Randi. We are still friends although we live in different states. Randi and I were in all our classes together all through junior high because our school was “tracked” and there was only one class of our track. Randi and I became inseparable and pulled off some pretty weird capers, even after I had moved to a different high school, such as secretly driving 150 miles away to see a boy I had a crush on who had moved. If my parents had known!!! But they didn’t. Randi was always there for any silliness I could concoct and always had my back. I couldn’t have gotten through those years without her.
All of my female friends have been important to my development as a person and also as a writer. They have been a saving grace of my life.
This leads me to this: I had a LOT of help writing this book. Any book that takes 18 years to come to fruition has either sat there doing nothing most of the time or has been kicked around and around and around. Scrap is the latter. So many people–friends and strangers–have had a hand in Scrap that when I thought of writing a thank you to go in the book, I had one panic attack after another. What if I forgot someone at the time I was writing it? After all, memories come to us in fits and starts. They don’t rest at the front of our minds all the time. Not enough room!
Finally, I decided to skip the public thank you because it was too overwhelming. But if you helped me with this book don’t think for one moment that I don’t think of you often and of the help you gave me.
And thank you if you read it recently or are reading it now. You can’t imagine how much it means to me to share this story that’s been brewing for many decades!!!
PURCHASE SCRAP: SALVAGING A FAMILY
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A few recent links:
My guest post about the process of writing Scrap at True Book Addict
A review of Scrap and several excerpts from the book at Storyteller Poetry Review
A new ekphrastic microstory at The Hoolet’s Nook (nothing to do with Scrap)
The Umbrella at The Hoolet’s Nook
This link is the photograph that inspired the story.
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Tour Schedule for Scrap: Salvaging a Family (memoir in flash):
March 21: Joy Neal Kidney (review)
March 23: Liz Gauffreau, (review)
March 24: Marie Ann Bailey, (review)
March 25: John W. Howell, (excerpt)
March 30: Miriam Hurdle, (companion story)
March 31: Review Tales (review)
April 2: the bookworm (review)
April 9: Ashley’s Books, Cozy Home Delight (review)
April 13: What’s That Book About (guest post)
April 15: Tabi Thoughts(review)
April 23: Lavender Orchids (review)
April 27: The Reading Bud (review)
May 4: Chelsea’s Books (review)
May 4: Smorgasbord (excerpt)
May 6: Brotman Blog (review)
May 7: The Reading Bud (interview)
May 14: True Book Addict (guest post)
May 15: Storyteller Poetry Review (review and excerpts)
May 19: True Book Addict (review)
May 21: The Book Connection (review)
May 26: Author Anthony Avina (review)
May 28: Author Anthony Avina (guest post)
Follow the tour with the hashtag #ScrapSalvagingFamily
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Sometimes it spooks me when you describe yourself (introverted, highly sensitive, uncomfortable with groups of women, prefer one to one, etc.) and I think, “That’s me!” Although I am a few years older and we lived (and still live) thousands of miles apart, I know we would have been friends as kids and are at least virtual friends now!
Oh, I know we would have been! I so often don’t examine my reactions to things but when I do I wonder why I don’t just tell people what is out of my comfort zone. I tend to worry over things instead.
Tell me about it. But I have gotten better about that now that I am a “senior citizen!”
That’s it. Maybe we get more comfortable in our own skin as we leave the rat race and have a bit more time to reflect and want to just be who we are .
You are lucky. I didn’t have friends that “stuck” around for long. My high school friends drifted after graduation. I too prefer small groups. I had some good times. I always remember “friends for a reason and friend for a season” and if you are lucky to have them a lifetime, you are indeed lucky! My friends now have been collected from the last 30 years of my life.
There are some friends I’ve lost track of that I would like to reconnect with–for instance, I’ve found a couple of people, one woman, one man, on Facebook and reached out and never heard back. I don’t know if some people just don’t want to go back in time like that or if they don’t even see my messages. I’m glad you have friends from 30 years, Kate!!!!!
Highly Sensitive Person. Introverted. Social anxiety. That’s me! Enjoyed reading your ode to old besties as it made me think of all those I’ve loved (and mostly drifted from) over the years. And the ones I’ve kept….
Oh, I’m so glad you were able to remember and muse over all the old friendships! And here’s to our friendship of so many years and never met in person haha!
Maybe someday…wouldn’t that be fun!
Yes!!!!
I have a few good friends, and I like to visit with them one at a time. Some of them have been my friends since elementary school or high school. Like you, I’m not a groupie. Some people can’t live without their group but we each have different needs.
Anneli, you put that so well: “Some people can’t live without their group but we each have different needs.” I have seen that so often. It’s very very distressful for some people to lose their group.
I know some people of both types, but while allowing for differences, I could never be a groupie.
Same-same.
By the way, you are blessed to have friends from that long ago.
I know I am. Thanks, Luanne.
I’ve never been the type to make or have lots of friends. I don’t like going to events where I don’t know a lot of people. My little sister was my best friend when I was growing up.
Congratulations again on Scrap! It’s excellent, and I’ll have a review soon.
Oh, so sweet you had your sister. I would have LOVED that. No more sitting there by myself for who knows how long until I made a friend . . . .
Thank you re Scrap!!!! I’m so glad you like it!!!
Yes, my younger sister is only two years younger. My older sister was 7 1/2 years older. I’m happy my two kids are such great friends, too.
You’re welcome!
That’s wonderful. My brother is almost 8 years younger than me, so it wasn’t until we got old that we are friends!
Sadly, most of my closest friends have passed. In fact, I only have one close friend left. I’m so glad he is younger than me. A lovely post, Luanne.
Oh, John, that’s so hard. I’ve seen that happen to others, and can imagine how it feels. It’s happened to the gardener and me somewhat, but those were the early ones who passed in their sixties or before.
My family moved several times when I was a kid, so I had interrupted best friendships, too. I also do better one-on-one, rather than groups. Congratulations on your recent publications! I just read them.
Ah, thanks so much, Liz! You know what it’s like then!
Yes, I do.